


Crimson Walkways

by liketolaugh



Category: D.Gray-man
Genre: Child Abuse, Disordered Eating, Exhaustion, Exorcist!Red, Gen, The Order's general assholery, crying children
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-08-04
Updated: 2017-01-05
Packaged: 2018-07-29 09:57:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 14,233
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7679923
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/liketolaugh/pseuds/liketolaugh
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Red was seven years old when he was dragged to the Order. Based on WhyPie's Exorcist!Red AU, but not completely compliant.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

Red had been at the Black Order for a week when he met Lenalee.

That week was… kind of a blur, honestly. He was exhausted and sore all over, and no one had noticed the welts on his back or the fact that his wrist _hurt like hell_ until just the day before, or, for that matter, the fact that he wasn’t really eating. They were too busy ‘training’ him, aka beating him to the edge of collapse over and over and over-

He didn’t know what these people wanted from him. They’d explained, sort of, but he didn’t _get_ it. What the fuck, ‘reason for living’. Red had no reason for living. That kind of defined his existence.

He’d collapsed finally, the day before, and he was in the infirmary now – or at least, it looked like an infirmary. His wrist was bandaged up, which was sort of a surprise, and they’d put him on his stomach. His head still felt stuffed full of cotton, and he was _so damn hungry,_ but he didn’t feel so exhausted that he would actually collapse anymore.

“Who are you?”

The soft voice made him start so hard that he sat up, eyes going wide. He nearly fell over the opposite side of the bed before a hand closed around his wrist, and he jerked his hand out of that one, panic rising in his chest so that it was a moment before he realized that he was steady and there was a little girl standing beside his bed, staring at him with wide eyes.

“Sorry,” the girl squeaked, drawing back, looking worried. “I just-”

“What the fuck do you want?” Red croaked, edging back regardless of the fact that she looked barely older than she was. He tucked his injured wrist protectively against himself and scowled at her, so rigid he was shaking.

“I just…” the girl repeated, eyes dropping slightly. And then she lifted them again, crossing her arms, and met his gaze evenly, no matter that she, too, was shaking slightly. “I don’t recognize you. Did they drag you here, too?”

Red stared at her for a moment, and scooted actually off the bed. He stumbled slightly when his feet made contact, legs still shaky from exertion, but it let him back up a little more.

“Fuck off,” he muttered, trying to will his voice steady. Louder, “Fuck off!”

“I’m sorry!” yelped the girl, and thank God, she took another step back. But she didn’t leave. “I just- you looked hurt, and you look even younger than me, and I thought maybe-”

“Go away,” Red snapped, but even he knew that was weak. He took a deep, shuddering breath. “What do you want?”

The girl swallowed, and even from here he could see that she was close to tears.

“I- I’m Lenalee.” She took a step forward, hand outstretched, and he took a step back to match, eyes fixing on her hand. She drew it back sharply and looked down, eyes glimmering, but still didn’t. Fucking. _Leave._ “I just got back from a mission, and I saw you-”

Her legs were all scraped up, he noted distantly, and she looked tired.

“And I thought we could be friends,” she continued in a small voice. “Because I thought… maybe we both got taken here. Even though we didn’t want to.”

“I don’t believe you,” Red snapped, and she flinched. “Fuck off.”

“Please?” Her voice trembled. He looked at her.

She looked like a stiff breeze would blow her over. But at the moment, he probably wasn’t so tough, either. He felt like shit. Forget what the cat dragged in – the cat had dragged him in, thrown him around, and then dumped him in a puddle to rot for a while once it got bored.

He let his legs fold under him, and she yelped and lunged as if to catch him, which made him flinch away before she stopped, a foot or so away.

“I don’t have a name,” he said at last, sitting up with his legs haphazard beneath him while she fucking _stared_ at him. “Call me whatever you like.”

Cautiously, looking ridiculously hopeful, Lenalee lowered herself to the ground as well, and involuntarily, he relaxed a little.

“What do you want me to call you?” she pressed.

Red didn’t give a shit, honestly. Whatever this slip of a girl could come up with probably wouldn’t be half as bad as things strangers on the street tended to call him. “Call me Red, I guess.”

She smiled shyly. “Okay, Red. I’m Lenalee.”

She held out her hand again, and he frowned at it. It wasn’t that he didn’t know what he was supposed to do with it, obviously, he wasn’t _stupid,_ but people didn’t like touching him. They didn’t. And his arm was in full fucking view, but she wasn’t even looking at it.

He didn’t know what was going on, and he _hated_ it.

After a moment, her smile faded and she dropped her hand, but pushed, “How did you get here?”

He pushed himself so his back was to the opposite, unoccupied bed, eyes carefully on her, and answered, “I don’t know. A couple guys in jackets found me at the circus where I work, and they looked at my arm for a bit-” Which had required wrestling him down, because _fuck_ that. “And then they tried to get me to go with them, and since I wouldn’t, they knocked me out and fucking brought me here anyway.”

He was pissed. He was _unbelievably_ pissed. But he was more tired.

He was _fucking tired_ of these things happening.

“I don’t remember how I got here,” she told him in a soft voice, like the animal trainer might use on an injured monkey. “But I didn’t want to come, either.”

“Fucking fantastic,” he snapped, and jerked, and hissed as he bumped his wrist against something. His voice rose angrily. “What the fuck is going on?”

“They said your arm is Innocence, right?” Lenalee asked him, scooting forward until he snarled at her, and she scooted back again. He nodded reluctantly. “Did they take you to Hevlaska already?” Nod. “What’s your synchro?”

“…Seven percent,” he said reluctantly. “They want me to ‘activate’, or whatever, because it’s my ‘reason for existing’.” Under his breath, “Fuck ‘em.”

“They want you to fight,” Lenalee explained, looking sadder by the moment, though not like she was going to cry anymore. “There’s a war going on, see, and they say that it’s our job to win. They say we have to save everyone.” Very quietly, looking downcast and frightened and ashamed, she added, “I don’t want to.”

“That makes two of us,” Red muttered.

And she smiled. Like a fucking weirdo.


	2. Chapter 2

Head Nurse, who Red had met for a scant few minutes when he’d briefly woken up after being taken to the infirmary, bustled in not long after Red and Lenalee settled on opposite beds, facing each other with Lenalee doing most of the talking. The girl seemed pretty happy now that Red was actually _talking_ to her.

What the fuck, honestly.

“Ah, Lenalee, I see you’ve met Red,” was the woman’s greeting, and then she leveled a small frown at Red, who bared his teeth in reply. “Red- I understand you don’t have much control over your own schedule at this point, so I can’t order you to rest, but I _must_ insist that you eat something.”

“Make me,” Red snapped, hunching back defensively.

Head Nurse leaned forward before he could react, a terrifying glare overtaking her face. He flinched back, half-scrambling away, and she drew away quickly, glare falling, though she still looked stern.

“I _must_ insist,” she repeated, voice rough and irate, and he scowled at her harshly, torn between curling up and lashing out, but didn’t try to verbally resist this time. She nodded crisply. “Good.” Turning away, she continued, “Lenalee, I understand you’ve just come back from a mission. Let me wrap up those legs of yours and you’re free to go.”

“Thank you, Head Nurse,” Lenalee said, softer now. “Can I show Red to the dining hall after you’re done?”

Head Nurse visibly considered for a moment. “If your legs are in good enough condition,” she allowed at last. Lenalee beamed.

“Thank you!”

“Don’t I get a say in this?” Red demanded bad-temperedly.

He almost instantly wished he hadn’t said anything, because Lenalee turned to him with an earnest expression that was nearly as alarming as Head Nurse’s glare.

“Please?” Lenalee implored, eyes wide, fists clenched in the bedsheets beside her. “Jerry’s really nice, I’m sure you’ll like him! And it’s harder to fight and run if you don’t eat!”

Red scowled at her, but, surprisingly, she held his gaze without so much as changing expression.

“Fine,” he bit out. He didn’t promise that he would _eat,_ though. He could probably filch some food from the place later, at least.

If, you know, the asshole CROWs didn’t start trying to beat synchronization into him again.

“Good,” Head Nurse said, sounding extremely satisfied. Then she knelt in front of Lenalee, produced a cloth and a bottle out of freaking _nowhere,_ and started to clean the cuts and scrapes on Lenalee’s legs.

Lenalee winced slightly, fists tightening over the covers, but didn’t protest at all. Red curled up into a loose ball that made his muscles protest, his good arm slung over his knees, and watched halfheartedly.

To Lenalee, Head Nurse continued, “You should finish healing within the next two weeks. Come in every three days or so to let me check your progress.” She finished cleaning Lenalee’s cuts and produced bandages, starting to cover up the girl’s legs. “Get some rest before your next mission, and…” She glanced up to meet Lenalee’s eyes. “Take care of yourself, Lenalee.”

Lenalee smiled, and it looked a little more painful than the hopeful ones she’d been giving Red earlier. “I will.”

Looking solemn, Head Nurse patted Lenalee’s knee, stood up, and looked at Red. “Come back as soon as you’re done. If the CROW bother you, tell them that I said you had to come straight back and that you’ll die within a month at this rate, because you _will.”_

Lenalee visibly flinched at the mention of the CROW, and Head Nurse grimaced slightly while Red frowned and wondered what they’d done to Lenalee.

Outwardly, he just said “A’ight,” and hopped off the bed. As before, contact with the ground made him stumble, and a head rush had him swaying briefly before he gritted his teeth and forced himself to steady.

By the time he’d gotten himself together, Lenalee was up and hovering a little ways away from him, an odd look in her eyes that Red didn’t quite recognize.

“Ready, Red?” she asked, looking a little hopeful, and he grimaced and shrugged.

“As I’ll ever be, I guess,” he muttered, wary of leaving the infirmary. No telling where those CROW bastards were. But he had a ready-made excuse. He assumed that it would work.

Unless Head Nurse had been messing with him. Fuck.

Still, he followed Lenalee down the hall, sticking close to the wall and glancing around. He hadn’t gotten a good look at the halls earlier; he’d been a little occupied, what with fighting tooth and nail not to be dragged around like a ragdoll. But those CROW were _insane_ strong. The kind of strong he usually tried to avoid at all costs.

That didn’t work so well when they were _actively fucking seeking you out_ like the shitty assholes they were.

“I’ve been here for about two years now,” Lenalee was telling him, just a step or two ahead, walk apparently unbothered by either the bandages or the wounds beneath them. “The only other exorcist our age is Kanda; he’s two years older than me.” She turned to smile at him brightly, and Red frowned at her in reply. “Don’t worry if he doesn’t seem to like you. He’s just grumpy. Actually, you kind of remind me of him!”

Yeah, except, Red didn’t want to be anywhere _near_ anyone like him. Red knew _exactly_ what kind of person he was; he didn’t imagine that things improved at all with two of them in the same place.

“And then there’s Daisya, and he’s a little older than Kanda,” Lenalee continued, apparently unbothered by Red’s lack of input. “And Marie! Marie’s really nice, Red, you should meet him. He’s an adult, though.” She frowned, and then shrugged. “He’s not rude about it, at least.”

“Do you ever shut up?” Red bit out, and instantly regretted it.

Lenalee flinched, her hands, which had been up and gesturing, falling to her sides. “Sorry,” she murmured despondently. “I’m just- Sorry. I’ll be quiet now.”

The next few hallways passed in silence. Red wondered irritably how far away the dining hall actually _was._

And because the universe hated him as _well_ as all of the people in it, it wasn’t long after that that Red stumbled, nearly tumbling to the ground before he caught himself on the wall. Lenalee whirled around, looking worried all over again, but instead of approaching, chewed her lip anxiously, looking fretful.

Red scowled at the ground, cheeks burning in embarrassment, and pushed himself forward, determined to get wherever they were going without collapsing like a dumbass.

Lenalee started hovering a little closer now, glancing at him every few seconds, and he clenched his jaw. Why couldn’t she leave him alone? He didn’t need help. He didn’t need friends. He never had and he never would.

Dammit.

“…Are you okay?” Lenalee asked at last, tentative, because apparently she really didn’t ever shut up.

“I’m fine,” Red muttered, glaring death at the ground.

Lenalee reached toward him and he pulled away, but didn’t look at her.

“…We’re at the dining hall,” Lenalee said quietly, pulling away as well.

Great.


	3. Chapter 3

Jerry was loud. Red’s head hurt already.

“Good morning, Jerry,” Lenalee greeted, only slightly more upbeat than she had been moments before. She shot the man a shy smile, and he _beamed_ back.

“Lenalee, dear!” he greeted, voice filling the room in a way that seemed to cheer Lenalee up but pressed down on Red disconcertingly. “It’s wonderful to see you again. Did everything go well?”

Lenalee bobbed her head, smile becoming a little firmer. “Yeah, everything went fine. I barely got hurt at all.” She turned her head toward Red, eyes sparkling hopefully again, and he only met her eyes for a moment before scowling at the ground again. “This is Red,” Lenalee added, voice at once more serious and happier. “He’s a new exorcist, but he can’t activate yet.”

“I see,” Jerry smiled, and then, to Red, “Lovely to meet you, Red! I’m Jerry, head chef of the Order. You come here whenever you’re hungry, alright, honey bunch?” He didn’t wait for Red to respond before adding, “When did you get here?”

“I’ve been here a week,” Red muttered reluctantly, scuffing his foot across the ground. After a moment, he glanced up at Jerry and added defiantly, “And I’m not hungry!”

An odd look flashed across Jerry’s eyes, but it was quickly replaced by clear concern. What was _with_ this people? “A week? Really?”

“He told me the CROW-” Lenalee’s voice hitched slightly, but she continued on regardless. “Were trying to get him to raise his synchronization.”

“Haven’t been out of the training room since I got here,” Red agreed dismissively, scowling at the thought. “They brought me food sometimes.” He hadn’t _eaten_ it, at least not most of it, but that wasn’t the point.

That was when Jerry started to noticeably study him, brow starting to furrow. Red clenched his working fist and half-bared his teeth at the cook, not quite able to hide a twitch of discomfort. A slow look of realization dawned across Jerry’s face, and Red had to fight not to look down as a mixture of shame and anger clamped around his chest.

“How old are you, dearie?” Jerry asked, leaning on the counter with a kind smile that set Red even more on edge.

“Dunno,” Red mumbled, glancing at the door. He was starting to think it might be easier just to leave, Lenalee be damned. “’Bout seven, I guess.”

Lenalee was glancing between the two of them, confusion clear in her eyes, but she offered to Jerry, “I-I thought he might like to meet you, Jerry, since you’re really nice and he hadn’t yet.” Slowly, she shifted her gaze to settle on Jerry, anxious. “A-and he looked hungry, so…”

“I’m not!” Red snapped, knowing it was pointless.

Jerry hesitated, and for a moment Red wondered if he wouldn’t even have to say no, if Jerry would leave it alone so Red could just sneak in later to get some food.

And then Jerry beamed, brighter than ever and somehow different from the previous. “I know just the thing,” he declared. “Red, dear, would you and Lenalee like to come in and watch? There’s not much for children to do around here, I know, you must be terribly bored.”

Red stared at Jerry, brow furrowed. What was Jerry playing at? If Red was watching, he would know if-

And suddenly, Red’s chest unclenched – not completely, but a little bit.

Jerry could still take it away, could still taunt Red with it and throw it in the trash, but he couldn’t poison it. Red would know, if he was watching.

“A’ight,” he said at last with a shrug and a nod, as if it meant nothing.

Lenalee almost beamed. “Thanks, Jerry!” she chirped, glancing curiously at Red, and then gestured at a door Red had ignored previously. “That way, Red, we can go in the kitchen.”

Red followed Lenalee to the door and then through, and sure enough, it led to the other side of the counter Jerry occupied. Red made a mental note, because one way or another, he _would_ be coming in here again.

Jerry smiled at them again as they entered, and called over, “Lenalee, lovely, what do you want?”

“Steamed buns, please,” she requested, hovering by the door.

“Of course, of course,” Jerry agreed easily, and then, “And you, Red?”

Red shrugged. “I don’t know. Whatever.” He didn’t want to pick something if he didn’t know for sure he’d get to eat it, ‘cause then he’d start _thinking_ about it, and then if Jerry took it away, he might cry. That would suck.

“That’s okay, dearie, I have a few ideas,” Jerry assured him, apparently unsurprised.

And then Jerry let the two of them watch as he cooked, explaining himself whenever either of them asked a question and chattering away the rest of the time, filling the silence as Red watched him carefully.

Finally, he finished both meals at about the same time, and with a flourish, he presented them each with a plate – Lenalee’s filled with bread rolls he knew were filled with meat, and Red’s-

Red… stared. It looked like something he might expect to get at the circus, except fresh and whole instead of stale and half-crumbled. Simple bread and plain meat, with a few vegetables beside it.

Lenalee, who had taken her plate more or less immediately, clucked, confused. “That’s not like you, Jerry,” she commented, and Red half-flinched, stopping the process of reaching for the plate and glancing up at Jerry warily.

“It’s been a while since Red’s eaten, sweetie,” Jerry explained, without making a big deal about it like some people pretended to (before they realized Red deserved to starve). “So if I give him the kind of food I normally like to make, I might make him sick by accident.”

Red blinked. He hadn’t known that.

Lenalee made a surprised sound. “Oh!” She turned concerned eyes on Red. “If it’s been that long, you really should eat up, Red. It’s not good for you.”

Red swallowed, glanced down, and half-snatched the plate, tucking it close to himself. When he was sure he’d be able to keep it from anyone who tried to wrest it from him, he mumbled, without looking up, “Thanks.”

He didn’t need to look up to feel the warmth of Jerry’s sunlight smile. “Anytime, honey bun!”


	4. Chapter 4

In the process of eating, Red learned that Lenalee was surprisingly willing to give him space. She wouldn’t leave, but she would sit across the room while he ate, which was enough for him to get down, like, half of what Jerry gave him.

It was… good. Definitely better than anything they made in the circus.

He hid the rest in his coat, so he could eat it later. He was fairly certain Lenalee hadn’t noticed. Jerry definitely hadn’t, because his back was turned as he bustled around making more food for other people who came by. So that was good, or something.

Lenalee looked up soon afterward, and her eyes brightened as she took him in.

“All done, Red?” she asked, weirdly eager. She’d finished a while beforehand, since Red had had a _weirdly_ hard time forcing the food down his throat (and he didn’t pretend to understand that).

He shrugged. “I guess,” he muttered.

“Great!” she smiled. “Head Nurse said she wanted you back as soon as you were done, so we should probably go soon.” She whirled around and beamed at Jerry. “Thank you very much, Jerry!”

“You’re welcome, honey bun,” Jerry beamed, and waved his spoon. “Now, go on before Head Nurse comes to track you down personally, alright?”

Amazing. Red loved being hunted down by aggressive medical personnel. It was right up there with being hunted down by weird religious people and malevolent clowns.

Red scowled slightly, and Lenalee nodded firmly.

“We will,” she promised, and turned around again to smile hopefully at Red. “Come on, Red!”

He shrugged, waved at Jerry, and then went after Lenalee, who was waiting for him at the door.

They took off down the hall together, and Lenalee explained to him,

“Head Nurse takes her job really seriously, so if she has any say at all you’ll be there until you’re completely better.” Her smile faltered and fell, and she dropped her gaze, shoulders slumping slightly. “But… She doesn’t, a lot of the time. So…” She hesitated, and then forged on, not looking at Red. “Be ready, I guess. Okay?”

That, he could believe. He knew Head Nurse had been fucking bullshitting him.

“Yeah,” Red agreed, also not looking at her.

Both of them were silent for a few moments, going down the hall, and Red just followed Lenalee, assuming that she was taking him back to the infirmary. She probably was.

Sure enough, they reached it, and no sooner had Lenalee poked her head inside than did she squeak, surprised. “Kanda!”

What, the asshole? Fuck no.

Red backed up, and Lenalee made a false move to grab his arm before thinking better of it as Red scowled at her. Even so, it was enough for Red to get over himself and follow her in.

There were two people in there that Red didn’t recognize. One was, sure enough, a bit older than Red himself, with long black hair and a scowl to compete with Red’s as he sat on a bed, looking impatient. He looked perfectly fine, so fuck knew what he was doing there in the first place. A grown man with thick glasses was standing over him, and he might’ve been fretting a moment before but now he was looking at Lenalee and Red. Red frowned at him, recoiling a half-step back and then forcing himself further in.

“Who the fuck is this?” the boy asked, scowling blackly at them. Red scowled back.

“A new exorcist, I would assume,” the man guessed, gaze shifting to something sad and thoughtful. Red’s gaze transferred back to him, and he tensed apprehensively. He _looked_ like a doddering incompetent, but looks could be wrong. The man smiled kindly. “What’s your name, child?”

“I don’t have one,” Red snapped tersely.

“He says we can call him Red,” Lenalee added, apparently thinking that was helpful.

“I don’t give a fuck what you call me,” Red corrected. “Who the hell are _you?”_

The man raised an eyebrow, offering a rueful smile. “I am General Tiedoll,” he told Red, “and this is my apprentice Kanda.”

“He’s that boy our age I mentioned to you,” Lenalee explained to Red, smiling a little. “He only activated about six months ago, I think.”

“Great,” Red muttered, and crossed the room to plop on the bed he’d woken up in, as far from the others as possible.

“I don’t like him,” Kanda told Tiedoll bluntly, gaze searching the grown man’s for a reaction. Tiedoll sighed and smiled wearily.

“That’s fine, but there’s no call to be rude, Yuu,” he chided gently.

“Who cares?” Red and Kanda asked at almost the exact same time, and then both of them scowled at each other.

“What the fuck are you even doing here?” Kanda asked Red, arms crossed.

“What are _you?”_ Red countered, scooting back a little more. Now that he’d eaten, the exhaustion from earlier was pressing down on him again, and he kind of wanted to go to sleep, but like hell he would with all these _people_ around. “You’re not even fucking hurt.”

“Neither are you,” Kanda snapped.

“Red’s here because the CROW found him,” Lenalee broke in, voice high-pitched and desperate, and both boys looked at her. Red blanched; she looked like she was going to cry. “H-he has an Innocence but he can’t activate it, so they’re t-trying to make him!”

There was a brief moment of startled silence, and then, as Lenalee’s breath hitched, Red turned his scowl on the ground, feeling his cheeks burn with shame.

“Well, fucking fantastic for him,” Kanda said, sounding bitter. Red scowled harder.

“Fuck you,” Red told him.

“Fuck you too,” Kanda threw back.

“Yuu,” Tiedoll warned, sighing. Kanda did not repent. “I apologize, Red. May I ask how they’re trying to get you to activate?”

Red shrugged. “Training,” he muttered. “Got tossed in here ‘cause I passed out.”

“Of course you did,” Kanda said, and Red could hear the sneer in his voice. _“Weakling.”_

“Fuck off,” Red snarled, head jerking up to glare at Kanda, who was, sure enough, sneering at him. “I’d like to see you do better.”

“Anytime, jerkwad,” Kanda snapped back, and they might’ve continued, but then the door opened.

All four of them looked up, and three of them recoiled. Lenalee gasped sharply, and then started hyperventilating; Kanda flinched back and bared his teeth at the entrant, and Red tried to scowl despite the way every muscle in his body tensed up and a shudder passed down his back.

A CROW.

“You’ve had enough time, accommodator,” the CROW said sternly, striding across the room and ignoring everyone else entirely. “We cannot afford to put this off for any length of time. Come.”

“Fuck off,” Red snarled at him, scrambling off and away. But the CROW swept forward and closed a hand around his human arm, and no matter how hard Red pulled, he couldn’t break his grip. “Let go! Asshole! Let me fucking go!”

“Stop resisting,” the CROW snapped, a tension to his voice that was the closest Red had seen to them losing their irritating cool. He shifted his grip to lift Red into the air entirely, and Red snarled and kicked desperately, because _fuck no, not yet._ “You are being selfish. This is for the world.”

“Fuck you and fuck the world!” Red snarled back, struggling uselessly.

He ignored the CROW’s next words and twisted around, looking back into the infirmary as he was carried off. Lenalee’s hands were over her mouth, eyes wide and terrified, trembling. Kanda looked startled and a little pissed, starting to stand, and Tiedoll-

Tiedoll wasn’t doing anything. His eyes were on the floor, and he was stiff as a board, but he wasn’t doing anything.

Red twisted back around and kicked at the CROW.

“Fuck you,” he repeated, hoarse with his anger.

 _Dead within a month at this rate,_ he recalled the Head Nurse saying, and didn’t for a moment believe that anyone cared.


	5. Chapter 5

In deference to the Head Nurse’s wishes, the CROW scaled back Red’s training schedule. Slightly.

Now, instead of getting one break to eat a day and a couple hours of rest, he got two breaks to eat and five hours of sleep a night, in a bare-bones room that was nonetheless nicer than any he’d ever stayed in before.

On the one hand, this was indeed slightly less hellish than the previous. On the other hand, it meant he spent three weeks teetering on the edge of passing out, but never quite reaching it. And he’d long since run through the food Jerry had given him before, so he stole bits off the CROW and took the punishment he got for being an ungrateful brat.

Despite this – hell, _because_ of it, because it was fucking _maddening_ to be constantly on the edge like this – at the three-week mark, Red decided he was done with this bullshit.

Dodge left, duck forward, roll right- With Cosimo he’d taken every beating on the ground because he knew he’d get bored eventually, but here, if he stayed down for too long, these fuckers would drag him back up and set him on his feet, and then go right back to it.

There were three of them, but usually only one of them fought at a time; the other two guarded the door. Even the one he ‘fought’ didn’t put up much a fight – exactly enough that Red could, just barely, keep up, even if he got hit so much he was aching all over even without the soreness from being worked like a dog.

He took a hit to the face with a fast-stifled yelp, and the CROW suddenly drew back and gave the two at the door a nod. Both of them nodded back, and the one in front of him looked down, what little of his stupid face Red could see infuriatingly calm and not a little disdainful.

“It’s time to sleep, accommodator,” the CROW informed him coolly. “Tomorrow we’ll get you at the normal time and resume.”

Red mostly ignored him, struggling to stay on his feet now that he wasn’t actively trying not to get beaten to death. The world looked hazy, he couldn’t seem to get enough air, and his legs were shaky, he couldn’t quite seem to keep his balance – but _fuck_ if he was going to collapse again.

He felt a hand close around his arm and flinched, but the CROW only tugged him forward, and he went stumbling after, panting for breath, eyes half-shut and dazed.

Two hallways down, he swallowed dryly, then put together enough breath to rasp, “Fucking let go of me.”

The CROW glanced down at him, and then let go with a nod, but dropped back slightly to keep him in sight. Given that he was doing the same with the CROW, Red really didn’t give a shit.

And he was half-starving again, because fuck him and his life.

He half-watched the halls as they passed – all of them still looked the same to him, but they definitely passed the cafeteria at some point, and the few people they passed stared as he stumbled on with the CROW, because apparently they didn’t have anything better to do.

By the time they reached his room, his breathing had evened out a little. The CROW opened the door and nodded to him, and he dragged himself in, flopped on the bed, and used abso-fucking-lutely _all_ of his willpower not to pass out then and there.

The door clicked shut behind him, and then he heard the thunk of a lock. Of course, they didn’t want him to leave before they were ready for him – didn’t want him wandering ‘round unchecked, as if he were _free._

‘Course, Red had never been real good at following rules.

He waited until the sound of footsteps faded away, and then rolled over and pushed himself up with a cut-off hiss of pain. _Fuck,_ he hurt.

Per usual, so get the fuck over it.

He stood up, gasped a little as his legs threatened briefly to give way, and then pushed toward the door and reached into his jacket.

The CROW – they had these long-ass needle things, in some pockets that looked special-made and up their sleeves. Fuck knew what they were meant for, but Red could _definitely_ use them to pick this god damned lock.

So he did, concentrating and working carefully until he was rewarded with a too-loud click, and he tossed the needle aside to where it rolled under the bed, out of sight, slipped through the door, and shut it behind him.

Where now?

He didn’t really know his way around the place yet. Mostly the CROWs had led him around, except for that one time he went with Lenalee, and even then he’d only been a few places.

But they always passed the cafeteria on the way to his room. And he thought he knew the way.

Well, it was better than wandering around like a dumbass.

* * *

Red wasn’t completely sure how he’d gotten to the cafeteria, because actually, when the fucking CROW weren’t threatening his life, it was damned hard to stay upright.

Still, the point was that he _did,_ and when he got there, he got a lucky break; it was empty. He made his way over to the door Jerry had showed him before, ‘cause finding some food before he dropped off for hopefully a couple extra hours sounded like a good idea.

He opened it, and- Did Jerry ever fucking leave?

Jerry turned around, surprise starting to bud across his face before worry overtook it. Red wavered by the still-open door, wondering if it’d be safer to leave again, given that he wasn’t with Lenalee this time, or to enter anyway because he had no goddamn idea what the CROW would do to him if they found him wandering the halls.

…Fuck.

It was Jerry who recovered first, setting down the pen he’d been scribbling with onto the paper and straightening, a frown worrying the corner of his mouth.

“Red,” he greeted slowly, visibly startled. Red tensed, but Jerry just continued, not moving either toward him or away, “What’re you doing here, honeybunch?”

“Running away,” Red muttered, deciding ‘fuck it’ and closing the door behind him to slump against it, letting his legs crumple under him. “What the fuck’s it look like?” He set his head against the door, keeping exhaustion-hazy eyes on Jerry. “Why?”

Jerry hesitated, and then took a step forward. Red pushed himself away, more into the corner and no longer against the door, and Jerry only moved a little closer before he stopped, crouching down again to give Red a kind smile, reaching up to adjust his sunglasses.

“I thought you might like something to eat,” Jerry explained, a cheerful lilt to his voice.

Red curled up, pressing his forehead to his knees and wrapping his good arm around them, and growled to himself in frustration.

Jerry had been weirdly nice to him when he’d been here with Lenalee. But that had been weeks ago, and he clearly liked Lenalee, who was weird enough to talk to _Red._ But, besides Lenalee and Jerry and maybe, _maybe,_ Head Nurse, everyone here had been just as bad as the worst of the people he’d ever dealt with _before_ he got here – and there was very little reason to believe Jerry was something fucking special.

“Fuck off,” he mumbled, squinting between his knees at Jerry, whose smile faded slightly.

“Don’t be like that, sugarpie,” Jerry protested, still crouched in place, watching Red shake like a leaf in the wind. “You can watch me cook again if you like.”

Like hell. Right now Red probably wouldn’t notice if Jerry dropped an entire cat in his food. He shook his head roughly. “Lemme alone,” he snapped at the floor. “’M tired.”

It sounded more pathetic than it was supposed to.

Jerry was silent for a moment, and Red halfheartedly hoped that he’d given up and gone back to whatever he’d been doing before. His hopes were dashed when the man spoke again.

“It’d be peachy if you ate something before you went to sleep, darling. Even if it’s just something off the shelves.”

That got Red to look up. He straightened slightly and reached up with his good arm to rub at his face, hissing when he hit a sore spot, and he eyed Jerry for a moment, rolling that over in his slow-ass mind.

“Something off the shelves,” he said at last, flat but not as dubious as he’d meant.

Jerry smiled at him encouragingly. Jerry appeared to be the same kind of weird as Lenalee.

“We keep all sorts of food around to cook with, and plenty of it’s just fine even before that,” Jerry explained. “I keep most of the bread down in that cabinet there.” He gestured. “You want some of that?”

Red bit his cheek and frowned at Jerry, but he didn’t _look_ shady. Harder to tell, since Red couldn’t see his damned eyes- but he looked serious.

Finally, Red’s stomach overwhelmed his caution and he pushed himself up. “’Kay,” he mumbled at last, edging over to the cabinet Jerry had indicated, keeping his eyes mostly on the Indian man.

“Thank you, dearie!” Jerry chirped, and then, to Red’s unexpected relief, returned to his previous place, busying himself with whatever the fuck he’d been doing before Red barged in.

Red reached the cabinet and finally turned away, kneeling down to peer into it, frowning.

There was a _ridiculous_ amount of bread in here, all wrapped up in cloth. He picked up the first one, opened up the cloth, and tore a large chunk off before he shut the cabinet again and started to back off. But there were other cabinets, too, and Red hesitated.

Curious, he peeked in the cabinet beside it, and- cheese. He took a chunk of that, too, with a wary glance back at Jerry, who still wasn’t looking.

Well, what Jerry didn’t know couldn’t hurt Red, probably.

Red pressed himself into a corner to where Jerry would have to actively look to find him, and started munching on the food he’d taken. It was good, but it also sat heavy in his stomach, and he looked up every few seconds to make sure Jerry was still busy.

It was a while before he finished, and by the time he was, he was just about ready to drop dead as long as he got some fucking rest.

Still. He was curious.

“Where’s Lenalee?” he asked, raising his voice a little to reach still-occupied Jerry. What the fuck was he doing that could take that long?

Jerry started slightly, but, weirdly, didn’t turn around.

“Poor girl tried to run away again,” Jerry sighed, when he’d processed Red’s question. “She’s locked up for the week – three more days now.” He half-turned, smiled at Red sadly, and added, “She was real worried about you, hun. Do you mind if I tell her I saw you?”

“Whatever,” Red muttered, finally letting his eyes close and his head drop against the wall. “You planning to tell them where I am?”

“Not as long as I can help it, dearie,” Jerry assured him instantly, and Red shrugged. Guess it didn’t matter if it was true; one way or another, he wasn’t sure he could get up now.

“I’m sleepin’,” he announced, and didn’t even hear Jerry’s reply before he passed out.


	6. Chapter 6

“Like I _said,_ I haven’t seen him since Lenalee brought him here.”

Red started, waking up in a whirl of confusion, and started to stand before he thought better of it, wide eyes shooting to Jerry, while the other kitchen workers busied themselves just out of his sight.

Jerry was facing the window, and on the other side of the window- Red pressed himself further back, breath catching, swearing to himself silently. Jerry had _said_ he wouldn’t tell on Red, but everyone here seemed to be terrified of the CROW. Hell, Red didn’t even blame ‘em.

“Very well,” the CROW said after a moment. “If you do see him, send someone to find one of us. He is neglecting his duties.” Pause. “Of course, if we learn that you withheld information…”

“Of course,” Jerry agreed, noticeably more subdued than usual. Red couldn’t see his face, right now, but he probably didn’t want to, either.

Red listened to the sound of footsteps as they faded away, and then stared at Jerry, who was staring after them. Then Jerry sighed, shook his head, and muttered, a strange tone of frustration in his voice, “Neglecting his _duties?_ Honestly, those CROW…”

Red didn’t bother to hide a smirk. Neglecting his duties, _ha –_ those CROW might pretend to be emotionless, but he’d seen them get more and more frustrated as he continued to fail. And that, more than anything, seemed to be what pissed them off. _Worthless brat. Ungrateful scum. Stupid, useless bastard._ And now he could add ‘unworthy’, ‘heretic’, and ‘blasphemous’ to his list, among other things.

“Should probably get gone, huh?” was what Red said aloud, clearly startling Jerry, who turned around to look at him, clearly surprised. Red pushed himself up, refusing to stumble at the head rush, and offered Jerry a halfhearted smirk that was _not_ fucking forced. “How long’s it been, anyway?”

Jerry blinked at him, startled, and then shook his head and smiled sadly. “Right around eight hours, pumpkin.”

Red’s smirk turned a little more satisfied. Yeah, that felt about right. _Fuck you, CROW, you can’t make me play to your fucking church tune._

“Great,” he said decisively, and then frowned. “Wait, why the fuck are you still here? It’s, what, six in the goddamn morning now.”

Jerry laughed. “I’ve gone to bed and come back already, sweetheart.” He gestured at the rest of the kitchen staff, and Red craned his neck to frown at them. “Breakfast time’s just about comin’ up.”

“Then I’m definitely gone,” Red said decisively, scowling. He wanted nothing to do with any rush of people. “See ya. And, uh…” He hesitated, the words catching in his throat. He dropped his gaze from Jerry’s and, finally, muttered, “…Thanks.”

“You’re welcome, baby tart,” Jerry told him warmly. “Do me a favor and pick up something to eat before you go, alright?”

Oh, yeah, that was a good idea.

A couple minutes later, Red ran off with more bread tucked into his shirt and pockets, which he figured he should be able to stash in his room before the CROW found him. Also it’d be pretty damn funny if the CROW found him in his room, they’d be pissed.

He rounded a corner and nearly bumped face-first into none other than fucking _Kanda._

Both of them jerked away before they could actually collide, and then, at the same time, scowled at each other. The synchrony didn’t actually make the whole thing any less irritating.

“Watch it!” they both snapped at the same time.

Case in point.

Kanda scowled at him harder. “Where the fuck have _you_ been?” he demanded obstinately, crossing his arms. “Lenalee’s been fretting about you since you up and vanished, she won’t fucking shut up.”

 _Vanished,_ like he hadn’t been dragged off. Red rolled his eyes and took off, because he didn’t fucking have time for this, he had food to put away.

“I’ve been busy getting my damn ass kicked, what about you, fucktard?” Red snapped back without looking, shoulders tense.

 _“I’ve_ been doing my fucking _job,”_ Kanda growled at him, and Red instantly liked him about ten times less.

“Oh, you’re doing your _job,”_ he sniped, scorn pulling the last word tight. “Sorry, what’s that again? Killing things? Letting the damn CROW boss you? Fighting for the, whatever-the-fuck, _cause?”_

“Fuck you, you don’t know anything,” Kanda snarled at him, and Red smirked, grey eyes vicious.

“No, I fucking don’t, but I know I’m not anyone’s _goddamned plaything.”_ Except for God’s, maybe. Ugh. Was there a way to piss off God intentionally? “Unlike _you.”_

Kanda was silent for a few moments, and when Red glanced over, frowning, the other boy was scowling at the ground, looking bitter and unhappy and-

Fuck.

After a moment, though, Kanda rasped, “What the fuck are you doing out here, anyway? You disappear for weeks and then you just _stand around-”_

“I got out,” Red said offhandedly, relaxing a little. There was the door to his room, _finally._ He opened it, went in, and stashed the food in his nearly-empty closet that no one ever looked in.

“You _got out?”_ Kanda sounded strangled. Red hoped he choked to death on his own spit.

“Yeah?” Red frowned at him, closing the closet. “It’s not that hard. And what the fuck are you doing in here? Get out.”

Kanda ignored him, predictably, because Kanda was a fucking asshole. A fucking asshole who was still frowning at him. _“Not that hard?_ If it wasn’t that fucking hard, Lenalee would have found a way out by now, you idiot.”

Red rolled his eyes. “I really fucking doubt Lenalee knows how to pickpocket people, pansy-pants.” She just wasn’t the type.

Kanda mouthed something unintelligible, and Red ignored him. Finally, Kanda said, “You better hope the CROW don’t catch onto you, firecracker.”

Red frowned, turned on Kanda, and repeated dumbly, “Firecracker?”

Kanda raised a challenging eyebrow at him, crossing his arms again. “I thought you didn’t give a fuck what I called you.”

“I don’t,” Red frowned. No one had ever called him firecracker before, though. That was a new one.

A noise outside caught their attention, and both of them looked at the door. After a couple seconds, Kanda tensed.

“Fucking _CROW,”_ he said scathingly, and Red flinched before he could stop himself.

“Guess my time is up,” he commented, trying to smirk the fear away. “I gave ‘em a good runaround, anyway.”

Kanda twisted to give him a disbelieving look, which was pretty common for people who didn’t realize how much Red liked pissing people off on purpose. (As opposed to by accident, which kind of just happened and inevitably just sucked.)

“You’re a fucking idiot, firecracker,” Kanda informed him.

“I get that a lot,” Red muttered. “Asshole.”

And then they didn’t get to say anything else, because then the door opened and the CROW came in, and Red abruptly realized that he had _never_ seen them this fucking pissed.

“Accommodator,” the head CROW started, voice one level below a shout and colored with rage, “you have shirked your duties _more_ than long enough. This heresy is unacceptable! You will accept your responsibility, you _unworthy-”_

One of the other CROW cleared his throat, and the first cut himself off, though he was still almost shaking with anger. Red scowled at them obstinately, willing the tears out of his fucking eyes, he wasn’t fucking crying in front of these assholes. Kanda was staring at the CROW, and he looked as caught between rage and fear as Red felt. (How come? Kanda was a _good little exorcist,_ wasn’t he?)

“Come,” the CROW said at last, sounding much calmer, though it was forced in a way that gave Red more than a little bit of satisfaction. “It’s time to resume our attempts to enable activation.”

He stormed across the room, and Red hissed as the man snatched his good arm, squeezing hard enough to bruise. That was enough to rouse Kanda from whatever-the-fuck trance he’d been in, and the other boy, to Red’s surprise, started snarling.

“Why the _fuck_ are you like this, all this fucking talk about _duty_ and responsibility, what the fuck do you know about either, huh? Who the fuck decided it was _our_ responsibility, you fucking assholes?”

“Kanda Yuu,” another CROW cut him off, voice loud with warning. “You are stepping out of line-”

“Fuck you!” Kanda interrupted, raising his voice above the CROW’s. “I hate you! We all fucking _hate you!”_

Ain’t that the truth.

* * *

It was days later before Red heard the voice of someone who wasn’t a CROW again. The resulting punishment had drained him of the energy he’d have needed to get out and actually _get_ somewhere, so he’d been sticking around in his room for the rest periods again, least for now.

He’d just been dumped in his room again, and his eyes were burning, he wanted to cry. Which was bullshit. Why was he always the only one crying?

There was a knock on the door.

Red gritted his teeth and turned his head against the pillow, taking a deep, shuddering breath, and ignored it.

There was another knock.

“Fuck off, I’m not coming out,” he called, voice rough. Fuck, his hands were shaking. He closed his eyes, trying to sleep.

“Red? I-it’s Lenalee. I… I wanted… wanted to check on you.”

… _Fuck._

Reluctantly, Red rolled out of bed and stumbled over, letting his knees fold and leaning against the door, forehead pressed to the wood. “What,” he said flatly.

He could almost hear Lenalee perk up. “Red!” She sounded _relieved,_ hell. “Are you okay?”

“’M _tired,”_ Red snapped back crabbily.

“Oh.” There was a beat, and then Lenalee continued, “Jerry said he’d seen you, and he said- he _said_ you looked tired.” Another pause. “They let me out, by the way. Um- I tried to-”

“Tried to run,” Red finished for her, closing his eyes. “Yeah, Jerry said.” He hesitated, and then added, “Good.”

There was an almost startled silence. “You’re not mad?”

What? “Fuck no,” Red frowned. “If you get out of here, hell, good for you. It’ll piss those CROW assholes off, too.”

Lenalee laughed a little. “Yeah,” she murmured. And then, “Do you hate it here?”

Red swallowed. The streets had sucked. The circus had maybe sucked more. This- “Yeah.”

“I hate it here, too,” Lenalee whispered back, like it was a secret. Her breath hitched. “And Kanda hates it, and Daisya hates it, and-” Another hitch, more like a hiccup. “I wish the Order didn’t even exist.”

“Yeah,” Red repeated around the lump in his throat. His eyes were burning again, and after a moment, he realized that tears were trickling down over his cheeks. Damn it.

“I miss my brother,” Lenalee said suddenly, unexpectedly. “They took me away from him, the day after I activated.” Another choked-off whimper. “I want to see him again, I want to go home.”

Red’s shoulders shook, once, in a silent sob he couldn’t hold back. “I want out,” he rasped back, after a moment. “I don’t have anyone, I never have, but fuck…” Another silent shake. “I want _out.”_

There was a whimper on the other side of the door, and then a whine, and then, Red realized, Lenalee was crying.

A moment later, he realized he was, too.


	7. Chapter 7

Red was sneaking down a hall, weaving in between the legs of various _grown-up_ workers, when he heard a commotion that made him glance over, frowning.

It wasn’t quite the end of his rest period yet, so he shouldn’t have any CROW out for his blood yet, unless they’d gotten off their asses and learned to expect it. But then he identified a specific voice amid the shouting, and he started.

Lenalee.

He half-turned and then forced himself forward – one step, two. And then he muttered a curse under his breath, turned around entirely, and skirted the crowd to peer out, tucked into an alcove and grimacing at the press of too many people.

He could make out the voices of some of the CROW now, too, and saw Lenalee, flying above them. (It occurred to Red that he didn’t even know which way was out. He assumed that it was the way Lenalee was going.)

Around Red, the crowd cleared away rapidly, but he was frozen, too startled to react.

As if in slow motion, he saw a CROW throw out their hand, and a stream of tags Red only vaguely recognized shot out of their sleeve. Lenalee’s legs were almost instantly wrapped in them, and with a cry, she tumbled out of the air, hitting the ground with a thud that made Red flinch.

Red thought, for a fleeting second, that she must have broken something important, that Lenalee-

But she pushed herself up, face streaked with tears and already crying.

 _Poor girl tried to run away again,_ echoed somewhere in the back of Red’s mind.

 _I hate it here, too,_ she’d told him through the door.

And the lead CROW started forward, quick and purposeful, and Lenalee was trying to push herself up but something about the papers wrapped around her legs must prevent it, and Red felt his mouth contort into a snarl.

Before he knew it, before he could think better of it, he burst out of the alcove and planted himself between the CROW and Lenalee, both fists clenched and shaking.

_She was real worried about you, hun._

Fuck, when was the last time someone had _worried_ about him? Red was willing to bet it was a big fat _never._

“Red?” Lenalee yelped, sounding frightened and surprised and _wrecked._ Red ignored her, focusing a vicious glare on the CROW in front of him and refusing to acknowledge, even to himself, how _fucking stupid_ this was. He couldn’t stand up to the CROW. He knew that already. “What are you-”

“Accommodator,” the CROW in front of him warned, sounding irritated already. _Good._ “Get out of the way. You’re in enough trouble as it is, being out of your room during your designated rest period.” His voice deepened slightly, warning. “I think we’ve been training you too lightly as of late.”

Red took a deep breath, counted up all the reasons he was a fucking dumbass, and set his glare on the CROW.

“No fucking way,” he told them, forcing his voice to stay steady, tears of fear and frustration threatening to rise. “I’m not letting you near her – see, I got a theory. Wanna hear?” He didn’t wait for them to reply. “I think you get your dirty rocks off like this, beating on kids. Is that it? That what you really want with us, you pervy wankers?”

The CROW went very, very still, and despite not being able to see their faces, Red felt a wave of foreboding crash over him.

Lenalee was struggling to stand behind him, but she couldn’t do it, and this was stupid, stupid, stupid. Red felt wrung-out and tense, he was shaking, and he was crying again but he didn’t care, he didn’t fucking care-

He hated this. He hated the CROW.

“I hear things about priests, y’know,” Red continued, and his voice was definitely shaking now, he wasn’t fooling no one like this, but he kept going ‘cause if nothing else it’d still piss ‘em off. Eyes on him. He knew what to expect from them. “Lotsa stories going ‘round-”

One CROW stepped forward, hand extended threateningly, and Red took a fumbling step back, breath coming in harsh pants now.

“But hell! Maybe you’re just sadistic fuckers.” Another step back, though none of them had moved, and he was braced right in front of Lenalee now, no going anywhere now. Fine. _Fine._ “And I deserve it, yeah?” He managed a shaky, vicious grin, because as far as he was concerned he may as well be damn proud of this if anything. “I’m ungrateful, I’m greedy, I’m stupid and worthless. Heretic, you said, right? Lazy, defiant, you ain’t that creative, asshole, I heard it all before.” Grin. “Fucking bring it.”

“Red?” Lenalee breathed behind him, and then, low and desperate, “Red, no-”

He didn’t even see the CROW move before he’d been slammed against the floor, and he was gasping in pain, face pressed to the ground and a hand tight around the back of his neck.

“You are _infuriating,”_ the CROW hissed, and Red felt a familiar twist of bitter satisfaction. “You are _unworthy_ of the honor you hold, you are-” He took a breath and fell silent.

Red took all of that in and then kicked furiously, and encountered some body part that probably belonged to the CROW but didn’t seem to faze him, and then hissed against the ground, “You’re such a _fucking_ asshole, all of you, probably _makin’ up_ for something-”

“Immature,” the CROW growled quietly, probably more to himself than to Red, and then made the mistake of loosening his grip.

Red rolled out and scrambled to his feet. He half-turned, already stumbling into a run, and met Lenalee’s eyes. They were wide and terrified – and rightly so, trapped in a CROW’s grip as she was – but as soon as her gaze met his, she turned her head away, mouth pulling into a resigned wince, and he took the signal for what it was and made a break for it.

He probably wouldn’t have made it far – he was small, he was fast, but these goddamn CROW were downright insane – if he hadn’t been abruptly pulled aside, almost as soon as he came around the corner, a door he would’ve ignored slamming shut behind him.

It was dark, so it took him a moment to register who had pulled him in there, but as soon as he did, he scowled.

“What the fuck are you _doing?”_ he demanded of Kanda, his breathing still a little too fast, voice nearly covered by the thud of maybe one or two CROW.

Kanda scowled at him, too, barely visible in the darkness. “Saving your ass, firecracker,” he snapped irritably. “What are you, stupid? What the fuck did you go and bait them for, you dumbass?”

Red… couldn’t actually answer that, given he didn’t have a clear answer himself. Instead, he scowled at Kanda again and sniped, “I dunno, I was in the mood to get _pinned to the fucking floor._ Shit, what did you think I was going to say?” He blew out a breath and let his legs fold, pressing his face into his knees and registering the tears all over his fucking cheeks.

He felt Kanda sit down across from him and heard him huff. “Why the fuck do you two try so hard?” the older boy demanded. “Why are you so _stupid?”_

“Know a lotta people that probably would like an answer to that one,” Red muttered, letting out a short, tired sigh. He was always fucking tired.

As soon as he’d calmed down, though, his head popped back up, and he frowned, suddenly on edge.

“This room’s fucking tiny,” he muttered, eying it warily. Were the walls closing in?

Kanda made an exasperated noise. “What the fuck is your problem with _everything?”_ he demanded, but then stood up and opened the door. “It’s a closet, it’s meant to be tiny. Get your ass up, I know a place.”

Red briefly considered ignoring him, but the closing walls were creeping him out, so he got up and followed after him, through a number of what Red could recognize as back routes, even if in a building instead of a city.

You fucking _knew_ a building was too damn big when it had _back routes._

“Hey.” When they finally reached the room, bright and large and spread with some kind of mat, Kanda turned and fixed Red with a serious look that made the younger boy raise an eyebrow in reluctant curiosity. “I gotta tell you something. About the CROW.”

“Out with it,” Red said impatiently.

Kanda hesitated, scowled, and then, finally, said, “They can’t let you die. Seriously can’t. They fucking need you, understand? There aren’t a lot of exorcists, and if there’s one goddamn _chance_ you’ll activate, they _have_ to keep you around.”

Red studied him, frowning. What he was saying, it didn’t really match up with some of the things Red had heard them say- but.

“You seem pretty sure about that,” he said cautiously.

Kanda scowled. It seemed a lot darker than it normally did. “Take it or leave it,” he said roughly, turning away abruptly. “It’s true.”

Red hesitated for a moment, and then shrugged. “Got it,” he said at last.

“Che.”


	8. Chapter 8

Eventually, Red collapses in the middle of a hallway and wakes up in the infirmary.

…Well, he couldn’t say that he was surprised. Fucking CROW.

He woke up aching, with a tickle at the back of his throat and a vague feeling of being hot and cold at the same time. His head pounded angrily.

 _Can’t kill me,_ he thought groggily, trying to push himself up and failing. _But they can sure as hell make me feel like I just set up a whole damn circus by my own damn self. In a day, in the snow, with less clothing than a man gives his dog._

Yeah, Red felt like shit.

He pried his eyes open and glanced around. A few people around, this time, most of them asleep.

And there was Lenalee, in the next bed over, curled up under the covers, looking almost as bad as he felt. Back from a mission, maybe.

She was crying in her sleep, he noticed.

Red started to roll over, feeling a burn in his eyes that meant he was going to cry like an idiot again, but a tug at his wrist made him glance down.

There was a needle buried in his good arm. Fucking fantastic.

He let himself slump back and rolled the other way, bringing his left arm up with a soft grunt and burying his face in that one instead.

It was rough and leathery, not at all like his other one, and unlike with his right, he couldn’t feel his tears soaking through when he cried in it. Huh. Maybe there was something to be said for using the damn thing like this, at least.

Red kept his attention on the rest of the room, letting the tears of frustration and tiredness and the _damned_ sympathetic tears soak his sleeve and probably his face. The room was mostly quiet, with the sounds of breathing and the occasional beeping machine as the only ambiance.

Then there was the sound of a door opening, and Red turned his head toward it, squinting at- Head Nurse, who almost instantly spotted him and made her way over, her expression businesslike and familiarly stern.

“What’s the needle for?” he muttered as soon as she was in range, wincing at the sound of his own voice. He kept his eye on her; Lenalee liked Head Nurse, but Red wasn’t so sure yet. Lenalee wasn’t a real good judge of character, after all.

“Nutrients,” she replied promptly, coming to a halt beside him. “You’re still far too skinny, particularly for the regimen they have you on. Are you eating as you should be?”

Red grunted. She rolled her eyes.

“Well, I suppose Jerry will have to take care of that,” she decided, and Red shrugged. Jerry mostly let him do as he liked, so he didn’t know what Head Nurse was talking about. “Now, you’re running a bit of a fever, so I should be able to keep you here until that clears up, which ought to give you a few days at least.”

Red squinted at her again. ‘Be able to?’

“…Good?” he said at last, a little confused. Her stern expression faded a little, and Red scowled at the pity that appeared under it.

“You _would_ like a break, wouldn’t you?” she inquired, sardonic instead of soft.

Red nearly started, but instead he let his eyes fall shut and scowled at the wall behind her. He didn’t answer.

He heard her sigh. “You’ll be fine with some rest. Try not to exert yourself, and…” She hesitated a moment, and then continued, “Perhaps avoid actively upsetting yourself.”

“A’ight,” he murmured, not bothering to argue.

He listened to her patter around the room for a while, and had just started to wonder when she was finally going to leave again when he heard,

“Red?”

He turned over again, carefully, and met Lenalee’s eyes, open now and glazed with tiredness and a little bit of pain, red-rimmed from crying.

“Hey,” he said, for lack of anything better, remembering vividly the terms on which they’d parted – him trying to defend her in the stupidest way possible, and then, when that failed, running like a coward. And then, with an edge of dry sarcasm, “How’d it go?”

She let out a laugh that sounded a lot more like a sob, reaching up to half-cover her face with a fisted hand, eyes squeezing shut.

“I didn’t want to go,” she told him, voice cracked and hoarse. “I didn’t even _want_ to.”

It clicked. “That what you were running from? Before?”

She nodded without looking at him. “There were three finders, on that mission, and two of them died.” She let out another choked-off whimper. “They always die.”

Yeah, being a finder sounded like a pretty sour deal. “You alright?”

She removed her hand and opened her eyes to look at him, tears gathering in them again. “I hurt my legs again,” she told him, in a hushed, shamed tone. And then, pitched higher with stress, “It really hurts, Red.”

Head Nurse saved Red from having to reply to that by appearing right around the word ‘hurts’, making gestures and noises that made Red dizzy but caused Lenalee to sit up, push the blankets off, and reveal one leg swathed in bandages that were starting to show red somewhere around her calf. Head Nurse unwound these, keeping up a quiet litany of words to Lenalee, and then produced another roll and started binding it right back up.

“This’ll take around two weeks to heal, I’d wager,” Head Nurse told Lenalee at last, giving her a serious, solemn look. Lenalee nodded, looking miserable and subdued, and Head Nurse patted her knee. “You’ll heal just fine, Lenalee. You’re doing very well.”

“Thank you,” Lenalee said softly, and Head Nurse nodded, then vanished again into the mysterious back room.

Red pushed himself up so he was sitting upright, careful of the annoying arm-needle. “Two weeks before the stupid bastards can take you away again, then,” he concluded.

Lenalee looked back at him, gaze still dim but a little more focused. “…Yeah.”

Red managed a slight smirk, curling up to rest his arm on his knees and his cheek on his arm. “Stupid Kanda should be happy. He was fucking pissed.”

Lenalee gave him a weak smile. “He always is,” she murmured.

Red snorted. “Asshole,” he muttered, but it was more contented than annoyed, and for a moment, the silence drifted between them uninterrupted. His eyes drifted shut briefly, and he sighed.

“You always look so tired when I see you,” Lenalee said suddenly. He opened his eyes again, frowning, and found that the bone-deep unhappiness had returned to her expression. Faltering and hesitant, she continued, “After… I mean, did they… Were you…”

She stopped, but didn’t take her eyes off him, and after a moment, Red got it.

Red hesitated, as unsure as she was. “Uh… About the other day…”

Lenalee sat up a little, something like curiosity appearing in her eyes, but before he could finish, the door – the one from the hall to the infirmary, this time – opened, and both of them looked over.

Red didn’t recognize the dark-skinned man who came in through the door, but he was wearing a uniform like Lenalee and Kanda did and as soon as she saw him, Lenalee exclaimed,

“Marie!”

The man cast a smile in her direction and headed over, sitting on the bed beside her. “Lenalee,” he greeted warmly in return. The smile soon disappeared, though, and he continued seriously, “Are you alright? I came as soon as I heard you’d landed in the infirmary.”

Lenalee let out a discontented hum, and took Marie’s hand to guide it down to her calf, where the bandages had been wrapped snugly in place.

Marie let out a little ‘ah’ sound. “How long are you in here for?”

“Two weeks,” Lenalee answered, somehow sounding glum and relieved at the same time.

“Who’s this guy?” Red asked abruptly, straightening and tense again. The man looked over sharply, apparently surprised, and Red frowned. The fuck, was he _bl-_ Oh. He squinted at Marie’s eyes. Yeah, probably.

Marie moved over from Lenalee to crouch by Red, holding out his hand. “My name is Noise Marie,” he told Red matter-of-factly, and Red frowned at the hand for a moment before shrugging and shaking it. “Please, call me Marie.” He smiled, with a self-deprecating edge to the expression. “And yes, I am blind.”

“I got that,” Red murmured, and then he withdrew his hand and tucked it back into his lap. “And I don’t have a name, but most folks call me Red.” The polite ones, anyway.

“You wouldn’t be the new ‘firecracker’ that Kanda’s been complaining about, would you?” Marie asked, and that was almost a genuine smile as he returned to sitting beside Lenalee.

“He calls me that, yeah,” Red agreed, rolling his eyes.

“He’s been here for almost two months now,” Lenalee told Marie, eyes raised to his as she half-turned to face him. “But he’s usually with the CROW, because they’re trying to force him to activate.”

Red half-growled. “Rat-faced cult bastards.”

He glanced up in time to see a tight expression of restrained anger cross Marie’s face, and the man’s fists clenched slightly.

“I suppose they’re the reason you’re in the infirmary,” Marie said to Red, false calm written into his voice.

“Yeah,” Red muttered, and left it at that.

Marie nodded at him, anyway. “In that case…” That same wry, near-bitter smile. “Welcome to the fold, Red.”

Red considered Marie’s eyes again and concluded that yeah, Marie probably hated it here too.

 _God,_ this place was a prison for everyone, wasn’t it?

“Gee, thanks,” Red said sarcastically, and Marie laughed.

“That’s the spirit.”


	9. Chapter 9

“Red, you’re shivering.”

“Am not,” Red snapped petulantly into his pillow.

The tickle at the back of his throat had developed into coughing and soreness, he ached for no reason, and his head felt stuffy. He was pretty sure he was wheezing, too; his chest ached most of all.

And yeah, he was shivering.

Lenalee, of course, was still stuck here with him because of her injuries, but at this rate _she_ was going to get released first. She’d delighted in the chance to talk to him as much as she wanted, but gotten more and more anxious as Red continued to not get better.

Off to the side, he heard the click-clack-gasp that meant Lenalee was being stupid again.

“Sit your stupid ass down,” he muttered without looking up. “You’re gonna make yourself bleed again, and then Head Nurse is gonna come fuss over you until you can’t tell your elbow from your knee.”

Lenalee giggled softly, and then there was the creak of the bed and a sigh as she sat back down. “You should get under the covers,” she advised, half-smiling.

He finally turned his head, squinting against the light, and frowned at her. “It’s too hot under the covers,” he murmured, cranky even to his own ears.

She made a worried noise, smile fading already. “Red, I think you’re sick.”

“I’m not si-” Red cut himself off with a coughing fit that made his eyes water, and then, without finishing his response, buried his head in the pillow again.

Click-clack again, but no gasp, so Lenalee was just tapping her feet. “You should tell Head Nurse if you’re feeling that bad,” she said softly. “Sh-she can probably help.”

Red hesitated. And then he scowled into the pillow.

“…I can’t stand up.”

“Red!” Clack-gasp, and Lenalee collapsed back onto the bed. It apparently didn’t deter her at all. “You’re _definitely_ sick!”

“I’m not _sick!”_ Red snarled, pushing himself up to glare at Lenalee, harsh enough for her to flinch. He let his arms fold and scowled at her, knowing he looked a mess because he felt a mess. “I’ll be fine as a fucking fiddle in a couple days, alright? It doesn’t matter.”

Lenalee stared at him, eyes wide and shining with the warning of tears.

“You’re supposed to be _safe,”_ Lenalee said at last, voice high and hiccuping with the strain of misery. “Red, please, you’re supposed to be _okay.”_

“I just told you I’m fine!” Red snapped back, feeling a burn around his own eyes again. “And what the fuck is that supposed to mean, anyway?” His throat was sore and his chest ached, and his voice rose with every word anyway. “Use your fucking brain! Nothing is okay! It never is, and it never fucking will be! It doesn’t matter if I’m ‘safe!’ _Nothing matters!”_

Lenalee looked stricken for a moment, and then her face scrunched up, and her breath hitched. As Red watched, panting slightly, tears gathered in her eyes and started to pour down her face, and then she started to cry, keening and breathless.

Red stared at her for a moment, dazed and blank, and then rolled over to stare at the ceiling. When she continued to cry for a few minutes longer, he exhaled, closing his eyes.

“Fuck,” he muttered, dry and worn.

And then he opened them, pushed himself up, and examined her. When she continued to cry, looking miserable and lost and wretched, he growled, pushed himself up, and collapsed back down, legs folding under him.

Lenalee’s sobs left a sour feeling curled in his stomach, though, so he pushed himself up with the nightstand, carefully. He was shaking and slow, and it took so much out of him that he almost felt like he couldn’t breathe – but a few minutes later, he collapsed beside her, panting.

He waited for a few more minutes, scowling at the floor and acutely aware of the girl sitting right beside him. Her sobs were slowing a little, and he could feel her confused gaze burning into the side of his head, but he was _thinking,_ dammit.

Finally, when she’d nearly stopped anyway, he spoke, voice rough and hoarse.

“Look. Lenalee.” He swallowed. “It sucks here. Ain’t nothing gonna change that. But there are assholes everywhere, okay? There are always people who get their kicks out of making kids feel like shit, and there are always people who wanna use ‘em.” He half-shrugged, cheeks burning self-consciously. “You really gotta learn to stop giving a fuck, Lenalee.” Quieter, “It makes it so much worse.”

Lenalee stared at him, and she was sniffling, and _fuck,_ he’d made it worse again, he was so fucking _useless,_ what a _piece of shit-_

Then she threw herself at him, pushing him over, and he yelped, squirming and pushing, until he realized that she was _hugging_ him, her face buried in his shoulder and hot tears soaking into it, hands fisted in the back of his shirt.

“Stupid Red,” she whispered against him. “That wasn’t comforting at all.”

“Oh, fuck off,” he scowled, embarrassed.

She laughed wetly and clung to him anyway, laying half on top of him.

He stared at the top of her head, feeling fuzzy and hot again, and then sighed and, warily, reached forward and gingerly tugged her against him a little more, hugging her back.

* * *

Red had pneumonia, Head Nurse told them when Lenalee pestered her enough.

Red figured this was why the CROW hadn’t dragged him back out yet and wondered if being this sick was actually worth it, and how long before it happened again. If he’d get sicker next time.

“Weren’t you both in here when I left?” Kanda demanded, because he was an asshole. “It’s been a week, why are you _both_ still here?” He scowled accusingly at Red, like it was his fault.

Red scowled right back. Kanda was sitting at the foot of his bed, his sword set across his lap, and Red was sitting at the head, back to the wall, arms crossed.

“A week isn’t that long,” he muttered, because he actually couldn’t argue. It _was_ kinda stupid. He’d never gotten sick from overwork _before,_ he didn’t see why that would change now.

He’d started getting better after Head Nurse gave him medicine, even if it had taken a hell of a lot of persuading to get him to take it, and more to get him to eat some actual food. Still, it seemed to be working.

Kanda snorted at him, and Red scowled harder.

“Red got sick,” Lenalee offered, and she looked weirdly pleased, eyes flicking between the two of them. Hell, she was almost _relaxed._ Red guessed she’d missed Kanda.

“What the fuck?” Kanda demanded of Red. “You didn’t go outside or anything! You can’t’ve, ‘cause you were stuck _here!”_ He waved at the room. “How’d you get sick?”

Red shrugged. “I dunno, I just _did._ Nurse said it was ‘cause the CROW were working me too hard or some shit.” Also that he wasn’t eating properly or whatever, but she grumbled about that almost every time she spoke to him, so.

Kanda was still staring at him, eyes wide with shock, and Red really, really hoped he hadn’t been counting on him being safe the same way Lenalee had, because that was an exercise in disappointment, was what that was.

And then he wondered when that had even become an issue, people wanting him to be safe.

Finally, Kanda’s expression closed off under a scowl, and he reached over and punched Red in the shoulder. Red scowled at him again.

“Don’t let it happen again, firecracker,” Kanda told him sternly, avoiding his gaze. Red rolled his eyes.

“Whatever, stupid Kanda,” he muttered back. “I’m gonna laugh when you get your turn.”

Kanda snorted derisively, and Lenalee smiled a little.

“As long as the CROW haven’t killed you by then,” Kanda tossed out, making Lenalee’s smile fade back into nothing.

Red scoffed. “They can do their god-damned best. Everyone else has.” Before either of them could react to that, he crossed his arms and continued, “Anyway, you better tell me you’re sticking around for a bit, stupid Kanda, because I’m bored as all hell.”

Lenalee giggled softly and nodded her agreement after a moment. Kanda scowled.

“What do I look like, a magician?” he demanded.

They ended up trading stories – Red stories of his time before the Order, and Lenalee and Kanda stories about missions.

None of them had a lot of good stories, but it turned out, between them, there were enough.


	10. Chapter 10

Two weeks and a shouting match after Red was admitted to the infirmary, one of the CROW came to visit.

Red sat up, back against the headboard and mistrustful eyes on the man. They hadn’t made a move to grab him yet, which was a damned surprise, since he and Lenalee (currently making herself scarce) were due to be released right about then.

The CROW glowered at him – he couldn’t see his face, but his arms were crossed and his shoulders tense. Red glowered back, shifting defensively, until the man finally spoke, tone cutting.

“As you are well aware, you have failed to make any progress thus far.”

Red let his mouth twist into a scowl and pressed himself closer to the wall.

“You have proven to be… less than adequate as an exorcist,” the CROW continued, with too much venom to sound indifferent. “Profane, rude, disobedient – and _weak._ We’ll get no use from you now, clearly.”

“Eat horse shit,” Red snapped, and then, “What the fuck are you getting at?”

The CROW shifted, somehow radiating disdain with every movement. “It’s been made very clear to us that this method of activation is unsustainable, and unfortunately, we cannot spare you. Your training schedule will be reduced to a more… suitable level, until such a time that we come up with something more effective.”

Red didn’t like the sound of that last, but- He squinted suspiciously. “What’s the catch?”

An audible scoff. “Catch,” the CROW said flatly.

“What’s the _fucking_ catch?” Red pushed, irritated and unsettled. “You bastards never go easy, you think I’m gonna believe you’re changing that now?”

“You’re nothing special, _accommodator,”_ the CROW replied coolly. “Worse- unable to activate, unable to train, _nameless._ You’re just barely more than worthless.”

Red held back a hiss and intensified his glare to make up for it. He hated that people insisted on doing this to him – insisted on reminding him that he was useless, worthless, less than nothing. He knew, okay? He fucking knew.

He rolled off the bed and stood up, facing the CROW down as if they were back in the training room.

“What does that make you, then?” Red challenged, glaring up at the man who may as well be both nameless and faceless, for all that he claimed to be human. “I’m _stupid,_ I’m _pathetic,_ I’m a _freak._ But you still fucking need me, because _I_ have an Innocence and _you don’t.”_

“A matter of chance,” the CROW said tightly, and Red’s eyes glinted – this, clearly, was a sensitive point.

Good.

“Prove it,” Red snapped, mouth twisting into a vicious, wild grin. “What do you know about, whatever, _God’s ways?_ Maybe he knows something you fucking don’t! Maybe you’re just as _useless_ to him as I am to you, you stupid clam-spined bastard!”

“Do not speak of things that you do not understand!” he snarled, and took a step forward. Red’s eyes glinted, heart racing even as he kept baiting the man in front of him.

“I bet you are!” he shouted back, refusing to budge an inch. “And I bet you _know_ it!

The next thing Red knew, he was on the ground, and his cheek was throbbing. He tasted blood.

“Thrice-damned heathen child,” the CROW snarled, from out of Red’s line of sight.

The door didn’t slam behind him, but the sound rang so cleanly that it may as well have.

Red remained on the ground for a few moments later, heart just starting to slow and smirking to himself despite the throb, pressing his palms against the floor.

Damn straight.

* * *

With nothing better to do, and not eager to stick around any longer, Lenalee and Red said goodbye to Head Nurse and went straight back to the kitchen, currently bustling with workers, even as Jerry turned as soon as he saw them and beamed.

“Lenalee, sweetheart, and Red! I’m so glad the two of you are feeling better.”

Lenalee smiled slightly and nodded, and Red shrugged and moved over to peer at what Jerry was making. He didn’t recognize it, which wasn’t a huge surprise, but it looked interesting.

“I’m just glad to finally be outta there,” Red muttered, leaning back after a moment to glance up at Jerry. “It’s about damn time.”

Jerry cast him a warm smile. “I’m sure it’s a relief to walk around again,” he agreed, voice tinged with amusement.

Lenalee appeared on Jerry’s other side and said with a smile, “Red’s going to be free to walk around more often now.”

Jerry’s eyes widened with surprise, and he looked to Red for confirmation. “Really? That’s amazing news, hun!”

Red shrugged and stuffed his hands in his pockets. “They decided I was too damn worthless to make any progress the way we were going,” he said matter-of-factly. “They’ll figure out something else, probably, but I’m free for now, yeah.”

“Best to take advantage of this for now, then,” Jerry said firmly, hiding the flicker of concern. “What would the two of you like? I’ll whip it up real quick for you.”

“What’s that?” Red asked, indicating what Jerry had briefly paused in working on.

Jerry smiled. “It’s curry. Would you like some of that, honey bunch?”

Red considered for a moment, and then shrugged and glanced up at Jerry. “Sure.”

Jerry beamed at him. “As soon as I can, hun!”

Red smiled, a flicker of a thing that was there and gone, and before Jerry’s eyes even had time to widen, he was gone, poking around in the cupboards while Lenalee talked to Jerry for a little while longer. A few minutes later, Lenalee appeared beside him and he shut it, glancing over.

“What’re you doing?” Lenalee asked, eyes innocently curious.

Red hesitated for a moment, good hand going briefly to his pocket, and then answered honestly, “Taking some food so I can put it in my room.”

“Why?” Lenalee asked, frowning. “You can come here whenever. Jerry won’t mind.”

“In case they shut me in my room, I guess,” Red said uncomfortably, shifting back. He scowled at her. “Does it really fucking matter?”

“Oh,” Lenalee nodded, expression dimming and voice going soft even as she disregarded the second part. “That’s a good idea.”

“Red, pumpkin!” Jerry called out, half-turning to call over to them. “Want to come see how curry’s made?”

Red started, and then pushed up. “Oh – yeah, sure.” He glanced over his shoulder at Lenalee. “Coming?”

“Sure,” Lenalee smiled, and hurried after him as they both went over to Jerry, who started to explain as he worked, glancing over at the two of them with an odd little smile every few seconds.

Red felt, cautiously, pleased.


End file.
